What I've learned from two very different experiences...
Without going into great detail about the birthing experiences I’ve had; with my first I would actually describe the labour as peaceful – even though it was extremely long, it was very gradual (one of the midwives had said I was going to breathe him out) … until the end where I was rushed into having an emergency c-section with my baby needing to be resuscitated in the first minute after birth. With my second, I just, and I mean just made it to the hospital before he was roared out – the OB didn’t even make it in time (but the absolute angel women warriors (midwives) were all I needed. I’ve reflected about both of these birthing experiences quite a lot (and journaled about them) and my main aim in writing this is to remove the wide-spread fear that so many people have surrounding birth AND even if you haven't given birth or won't be, we can also learn so much about other aspects of life from this very intense human experience.
Admittedly, with my first birth I had very little (to no) fear going into it. The fear point occurred during the labour (maybe around 20 hours in), where I heard another woman screaming in another birthing suite, like I have never heard anyone scream – a real deep, wild scream. I remember thinking, there is no way I can do that. It was around that moment where I was asked whether I wanted any pain relief (morphine), to which I said yes (even though initially I did not want to). Now fast forward a few hours and I was being told to push. Here’s the thing with morphine, I couldn’t feel hardly anything so I clearly remember thinking, “push where? How?” Soon after, I was rushed into having an emergency c-section because my baby was ‘stuck’ and his heartbeat was dropping. Now I was (and am) incredibly grateful for these procedures because I have my little boy with me. If I didn’t take the morphine, could the c-section have been avoided? Maybe... maybe not (he was quite a large baby with a very generous sized head… ha). There were also other factors that I haven’t mentioned here during the labour that did ‘disrupt’ the natural process of it. Gosh that’s a whole other rabbit hole to go down for another day.
With my second birth, I had loads of fear during pregnancy. This fear came from a variety of sources: my first birth experience, a miscarriage before my second birth, post pandemic where there were so many regulations in hospitals, and thanks to social media I had seen quite a few people who had very tragic birth outcomes. A very persistent thought that I had was that I was going to die giving birth. So persistent that I even had quite a vivid dream that I had died and I was watching my husband grieve from above.
Despite this, it was important for me that I tried for a birth without intervention. I simply wanted to feel it, and if in the end I couldn’t for whatever reason then that would be okay too. Therefore, I was not going to empower these fears. One of the ways that I empowered myself was moving towards acceptance of the possibility of death.
[Just as I finished that sentence, my whole house shook from an earthquake in Melbourne. Nearly jumped out of my skin so yep can’t say I’m fully accepting of death!].
On a cognitive level, I trust in divine timing and generally the process of how life unfolds. I was reading helpful books, journaling, reflecting, and meditating. However, the subconscious fear was quite strong during pregnancy so I also had a session with an alternative type of healing practice, which I was drawn to at the time and in that one session, I felt the fear literally evaporate. So despite my obstetrician making many efforts to book me in for a c-section, including saying that I had gained too much weight which increased my chance of a c-section and saying that my baby was “chubby” based on an ultrasound (which was a complete lie) … I waited to go into labour, and thankfully my little dude decided to arrive Earth side right on his predicted due date. I do need to say that my obstetrician also said that ultimately, it was up to me and I had no real medical reason/necessity to book in a c-section. If I did, I would follow their guidance.
My second birth ended up being close to a home birth experience, without actually being a home birth. I labored mostly at home, made myself some breakfast in between contractions, had a cup of raspberry leaf tea, inhaling my essential oils, then it all escalated rather quickly on the drive to the hospital and once we got there, he came roaring out. So it turns out I became that woman that I was so scared of during my first birth. It was so surreal and extremely healing. I felt like past traumas were released during that birth and it felt like what I would imagine taking plant medicines in the jungles of Peru would feel like. And I had so much energy afterwards! It truly felt like a rebirth experience… so maybe there was an energetic death during that birth, the death of who I was before... This heightened energy lasted for most of the fourth trimester (next blog post), which is of course incredibly welcome during that time.
I see birth as one of those really significant times in life… where past traumas (stuck emotion) can be revealed; trauma can be unfortunately experienced; or something that is less spoken about… trauma can be released, and you get to experience a whole other aspect of your being. However, in order for this to occur, it needs to be felt! And isn't this psychological healing in a nutshell? We need to relearn how to feel the sensations in our bodies as that is how stuck emotions are released... as well as develop the capacity to hold those emotions without falling apart.
This was of course my personal experience. My own two experiences were worlds apart so I can imagine that everyone’s experience will be or was very different. If by reading this, something has been triggered inside you about your own experience – be curious about it. Being able to compassionately reflect on our own experiences is such a gift for growth, even post traumatic growth. When I was reflecting on my own experience, especially my first, the internal dialogue went something like this… “I wonder why I didn’t speak up at that point…” “What was it about hearing those screams that made me react so impulsively to agree to taking morphine?” And ultimately, I have full acceptance of what has occurred in the past, knowing I did the best I could at that time and all unfolded as it was meant to for my own life learnings.
If you are wanting to delve deeper into the birth process, start by looking into Jane Hardwicke Collings’ work. Her book, Ten Moons, will be incredibly insightful and helpful.
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